Fact: This week I have been sent three dick pics. THREE. I didn’t ask for any of them, but apparently, that doesn’t matter.
You see, I made the mistake of venturing into the “other” folder in my Instagram DMs.
Turns out gents like to show me how excited they get when I write something even remotely based around sex.
Geez, you should see them flood in when I host my ‘Tell me a saucy secret’ Instagram questionnaire on Monday nights.
Do you know how a cat goes on a killing spree and then presents a poor dead bird to you for praise and adoration? That’s how I see men who send me dick pics. They’re like, “ta-da – check out my schlong, isn’t it wonderful?”
It’s like they’re trying to woo you with their boring half-flaccid ol’ fella.
Whatever happened to taking a girl out for a nice dinner and telling her she’s pretty?
You see, the problem with writing so openly and fondly about sex is that it seems many of the male species think I want to have sex with them specifically.
No gents, the sex I talk about is usually with the Mr. Emotionally Unavailable who I’ve been crushing on for weeks, or is based on a study, or a juicy conversation with a friend. Not you, dear gent. Not you.
And so I feel it is my duty to give a small public service announcement to these cheeky men sliding their penis into the DMs and texts of myself and many other women around the world. Umm … how do I put it politely … your penises are not pretty. Not even remotely.
They’ve usually got a lot of dangly, loose skin, you don’t trim your pubes and what the heck is that skin tag doing there?
Whether you’re holding it proudly in your hand (usually at a very unflattering angle) or letting it stand upright in bed, or simply just laying limp over your track pants, We. Don’t. Want. To. See. It.
I was having a LOL about it with my single girlfriends at brunch on Sunday and all five of us got out our phones and were able to share the most recent dick pics we had been sent. All not by invitation.
One of my girlfriends was sent a dick pic after she gave a guy who she had been talking to on a dating app her phone number.
Apparently, it was his “friendly” way of saying peekaboo on WhatsApp.
Another woke up to a morning text in visual form from a guy she had been making out heavily with the night before on a successful second date. The pic came with a sweet message saying “thinking of you”. All together now: awwww. Who says romance is dead?
Another came from a Z-grade celebrity based overseas my friend had been talking to on Raya. Does this guy not get that she could leak it and destroy his career in seconds? Obviously, she wouldn’t, because she’s a sane, normal woman, but very risky behavior by him.
So safe to say, there’s certainly no shortage of dick pics flying around the universe.
So why for the love of God do men send them uninvited?
If I am being completely honest, I have enjoyed viewing a dick pic or two, but the difference was I was given a heads up it was coming, and it was attached to someone I was very, very attracted to.
You see gents, you need to have a solid history with the person you are about to send your pencil to.
In the right context, sure – I can see how it’s a bit of fun.
And sure, there is that argument that we women have been known to send a shot of our boobs to a bloke we fancy, but I think we can all agree that boobs are pretty and we put care and effort into sending them. Soft lighting, a clean and tidy background, and lush lingerie. Oh yeah, and we’ve already got consent to send them. Not just bam! Here’s my penis!
So fellas, do us a solid and keep them in your pants until you’ve been given a giant green light to proceed.
It may give us less to giggle about at brunch, but I think we’re OK with that.